Jealousy, most of us feel it at some time or other. Some people experience it
more strongly than others and some even let jealousy consume them. Sometimes the
feeling is justified and at other times it isn't. It's an ugly emotion, both for
the one feeling it and for the person at the other end. So how do we know how
much is too much and when it is appropriate to feel jealousy at all?
If you are in a relationship with someone who is very jealous, you find that
along with the jealousy usually comes control. When someone is extremely jealous
they tend to want to control what you do, where you go, and who you see.
Sometimes extreme jealousy can also lead to violence. If you are in a
relationship where there is violence, read no further, it's time to end it. If
you are in love with the person and don't want to let go, believe me when I say
it is necessary. They will not stop without motivation. You can leave and let
the person know that after a suitable amount of counseling and time, you will
Jealousy After an Affair
For most of us, jealousy isn't as all consuming as that, however, many of us do
have moments when we feel out of control. You say something to your partner that
you know is unjustified, but you just can't help yourself. If your partner has
cheated on you, these feelings can intensify and it is possible that you will
never trust the person again. Along with that comes jealousy. Sometimes it helps
to have a plan of action in this situation. Figure out what you will do if your
partner does it again, let your partner know what you will do, and if it
happens, do it. Once you have made a firm decision on the consequences and are
done vacillating between should I stay or should I go, it is sometimes possible
for the relationship to continue normally. That is assuming that the other
person is not going to cheat again and you are determined to let it go and not
open old wounds every time you argue.
Unjustified Jealousy For a Fix
Unjustified jealousy is another story. If you think your partner is up to no
good every time they leave your presence then there is a problem. If your pretty
sure your partner is faithful and they continuously need to assure you that they
are, this can become addictive. You get upset, and you like the way it feels
when they stress to you how much they love you and would never do anything to
hurt you, or something along those lines. Eventually, whether you actually
"feel" jealous or not, you will be confronting them just to get your fix. Your
partner may be patient at first but eventually they will tire of having to
constantly reassure you and may even think that if they are being accused of it
anyway, why not do it. You will drive them away unless you can get this under
control. The tips below may help you with this type of jealousy.
Just Plain Jealous
Perhaps the majority of us fall under this category. We are afraid our partner
will find someone prettier (or more handsome), smarter, richer, or just plain
better. This is the heart of jealousy, our own insecurities. The tips below may
help you overcome this type of jealousy.
Look at the reasons you are jealous. Do you find that they are because your
partner does things that encourage you to feel that way? Do the feelings come
from an old relationship where you were cheated on? Do you feel that eventually
everyone will cheat on you? Perhaps it is because your partner isn't giving you
enough attention? Take the time to analyze why you feel like you do. If you find
it is something your partner is or is not doing, then have a serious discussion
with them about the way you feel and why. If you find that the feelings come
mostly from inside yourself, then here are a few suggestions for easing them:
- Always remember that unless you have a good reason to be jealous, you should
not harp on your partner. If the feelings are very strong that your partner is
cheating but you have no proof, then there are trust issues in the relationship
and whether your partner is or isn't, until trust can be found, jealousy will
exist. On the other hand, if the feeling just comes from seeing your partner
glance at another person, or they have attractive co-workers, then you need to
remind yourself that they CHOSE you. Don't make them sorry by constantly
harassing them. Obviously they found something in you that appeals to them and
unless you push them away, they will probably continue to love you for you.
- Don't feel negatively about yourself and certainly do not talk negatively
about yourself. Self confidence (this does not mean being egotistical) is very
attractive and if you remind yourself to think positive when negative feelings
come up, you will eventually develop a habit of doing so.
- Don't try to control the relationship. You can't control the other person
and by attempting to do so, you are setting yourself up for failure. Even if
they seem to comply to your demands, everyone has a mind of their own. If you
feel like you can't trust them unless you know what they are doing, who they are
with, where they are, every second, then either they are untrustworthy and will
cheat anyway, or you will push them away. This is a no win situation. If your
partner does things that hurt you, for example, talks to their ex. Then let them
know, hey, when you do that, it hurts me and I would prefer it if you didn't
talk to that person alone. This will be more likely to get the desired response
then demanding they don't see them anymore.
- Be a trustworthy friend to your partner. Be more than the person they love,
be their friend also. If your partner knows they can trust you implicitly and
more than love you, they also like just hanging out with you, then the
relationship will be stronger and reasons for feeling jealous will disappear.
Developing a friendship before the relationship begins is the best way to
accomplish this but it is possible to do so afterwards also.
If you are in a relationship with a partner who is jealous, be sure you aren't
giving them a reason to feel that way. If you aren't, then talk to them and let
them know that it is driving you away. Don't say what they want to hear and then
just do what you want even if it is innocent. If they find out, the jealousy
will become even stronger. Stand up to them and let them know that you won't
accept it and help them find ways to overcome it.
In conclusion, jealousy exists in all of us to some degree. The best way to
overcome it is inside you. Make the decision that you simply won't be jealous
unless there is a good reason. Don't just say it, make a decision that this is
the way it will be. This involves a true desire to change and a life altering
decision, but it can be done if you make up your mind to do so and replace old
habits with better ones. Not only will your partner be happier, so will you.