I have a female friend who is frequently the target of men in search of the
quick-e. (kwi-kE) Noun: A situation in online dating in which one party makes
sexual comments or suggestions within the first few emails. Or minutes. In other
words, way too soon.
A couple of "hi-how-are-yous" and suddenly she finds herself on the receiving
end of a nudie-cam transmission, or for the slightly more subtle letch, an
inquiry as to her breakfast order.
She's looking for true love. They're looking for action.
For most men, it seems the topic of women bringing up sex too soon appears to be
a non-issue. After months of inquiries, I was unable to locate even a single guy
who found it a problem. But for women, the issue is Big and Troublesome and
E-ping Toms. Sex Scavengers. Internet Degenerates. From unseemly photos to body
part inquiries to the wolf-in-Prince Charming's-clothing, female online daters
are bombarded with inappropriate IMs, photos and emails. An online dater from
Baltimore sums it up: "I normally would disregard those emails and write those
prospects off. Imagine what a first date would be like if they were already
lecherous just on e-mail!"
To most women, sex talk too early on is the online dating equivalent of Internet
pharmacy spam clogging up your inbox. It's annoying, unwelcome, and we can't
imagine that anyone would actually respond. Many women feel that a guy who
brings up bedroom talk right away is just looking for sex, or maybe worse, "they
have no manners."
Most experts agree that when someone brings up sex right away, it should raise
some red flags. Psychotherapist Wendy Allen says, "A man wanting sex too early
has nothing to do with you. It's just their own persistent horniness."
She adds, "This transparency has given you a window into this person's motives.
Move on to the next one!"
Toni Coleman, a relationship coach and psychotherapist agrees. "It can also be a
complete turn-off to many women (and some men). When someone does this, it can
indicate that they are only interested in sex, have poor boundaries and/or
impulse control, or are a potential stalker, to name a few."
Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and
Sex says, "Men who wave the sexual flag early are letting women know what their
priority is... and for the women who ignore that flag and then begin to wonder
later just exactly what went wrong and why her new Mr. Right is really Mr.
Wrong... well, they only have themselves to blame."
But how early is too early? If you've made it clear in your profile that you're
looking for a relationship or casual dating, anytime before the first few
in-person meetings is too soon. Protocol-challenged guys, if you don't learn
anything else from this article, pay attention to this: Most women are
uncomfortable with graphic sex talk with someone they don't know. And if they're
not, they're hanging out in the "intimate" communities, not on the general
Fay warns, "If a guy mentions something in a profile (in addition to his height,
weight, job, loves, passions, etc,) that he enjoys lazy afternoons under the
covers with someone he loves, that's one thing. But if he's sending a potential
mate web links to porn sites or sex toys, or is asking her what position she
prefers, or invites her to have phone sex with him before even asking her about
her likes, family, job, expectations in a relationship, then he's really only
looking for one thing. Period."
Coleman says, "The time to bring
up sex is after several successful dates, when the individuals feel they
are beginning to build a bond and have the potential for a 'real'
Not sure how to handle the dirty talk issue? Well, if you wouldn't say
something to someone you met at a wedding for the first time, you
shouldn't say it to an online prospect. And if you find yourself a
recipient of unwanted smut, the best plan is to a) change the subject, b)
let the person know they've crossed a line or c) end the dialog right
away, and block their email.
Dating coach Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting, offers these
suggestions for dealing with online sex talk:
- With the growing popularity of IM and
web-cams, singles are definitely bolder about sex online. Set sex talk
boundaries based on what you are seeking online.
- Fun flirting can be flattering, but
sharing intimate details enters a different zone.
- If you're in the mood, you may be OK
with getting down and dirty online. Recognize that the sincerity of a
stranger is questionable and think twice before meeting an online sex
partner in person.
- If someone brings up sex online and you
are uncomfortable, politely change topics immediately.
- If a stranger persists after you've
shared that you are uncomfortable, hit delete right away.
- Whether you're a man or a woman, don't
use the implied anonymity of the Internet to disregard social filters
that would normally be in place. The world (and online dating) works a
lot better when we're all on our best behavior.
And if you're the target of an E-ping Tom or Internet Degenerate, trust
your instincts and apply the same rules that you would in person. If a guy
you just met at a restaurant asked you to show him your bra three minutes
after you met, you'd throw a drink at him, and ask the maitre d' to escort
him to his car. The same rules apply online. Don't do it, and don't take
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
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