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Real-life Dates from Hell

By Ambrose Diaz

Dating can be hard. Sometimes we get into little ruts where none of our dates seem to go well. You should take heart in the fact that these plateaus are temporary. Time just feels like it's moving glacially.

So, if you need to feel better about what currently may be a lackluster dating life, have a laugh at my expense as you check out my worst dates ever. Think you've had a bad date lately? Check these babies out.

The Drinker
The evening starts out really well. She is pretty, she is smart and she is drinking doubles so fast that I can't keep up.

In fact, she is getting so sloppy drunk that I have to cast aside my natural instinct (to run far away) and stick it out just to make sure that she gets home safely.

As I suggest that maybe it's time for us to leave the bar, she says that she wants a nightcap. 'What's one more drink?' I think as I head to get her a brandy. When I return, she immediately gets up, and then comes back a few moments later with a scotch. When I ask her which drink she is going to consume first, she silently pours the scotch into the brandy and takes a sip -- a simple answer to a question I guess she doesn't feel the need to verbalize.

The rest of the date goes like this:

  • She tries to sneak her drink out of the bar

  • She drops the drink on the sidewalk

  • She yells at me after I tell her not to worry about it

  • She pulls me into the cab with her after I say that I need to get home

  • She gives the cab driver the wrong directions to her house

  • She slaps the cab driver for telling her "where she lives"

  • She tells me in no uncertain terms that I am spending the night with her

  • She swears very loudly as the cab pulls away from her door with me in it

The Whiner
"It's too cold to go out" are the first words she says to me in person. Normally I like to say "Hello," but I play along and say that "Yes the winter has been really bitter."

We sit down at a good table, then get up and move to a table that she thinks is better, then get up and move again after she decides that she doesn't want to sit next to a radiator.

She orders a vodka cranberry.

Our waiter tells us they're out of cranberry juice. "How the hell do you run out of cranberry juice?" she asks and then looks at me wide-eyed like I might be just as perplexed about the situation as she apparently is.

"I guess they just served it all... and ran out" I say, a little embarrassed that our waiter might think that I'm just as pissed off as my companion.

She hates her job because it's beneath her. She hates her family for not supporting her. She hates her ex-boyfriend for meeting someone else after they broke up. She hates my choice of restaurant too -- I've never seen a lack of cranberry juice spawn such bitterness before.

She tells me that I probably think that I'm better than her because I'm a musician and that I should "grow up and get a job."

I just shut up and listen to her incessant complaints all night long. She's right about one thing though: I do think that I'm better than her. In fact, I think most people are.

The Preacher
She is a little older than her picture led me to believe, but still quite pretty.

The initial conversation is nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps it's a little awkward, but hey, we've only just met. Then it suddenly gets really interesting when she tells me that she routinely "talks to angels." I'm looking for a smile on her face, but all the air gets let out of my expectations when I see that she is completely serious.

"What do you talk about with the, um, angels?" I probe gamely.

"Oh... everything." She replies. "Like if I don't know what to wear that day, I'll ask the angels."

I guess that's what happens when you live alone and can't ask your roommate if you look OK.

She proceeds to tell me that I need to "work on my relationship with God." Now, I would never begrudge anyone his or her faith, but the fact that I never mentioned my relationship with God up to that point made me wonder how she could jump to that conclusion.

I ask for the bill while we're still eating and make a very prompt exit.

Next time I have trouble deciding what to wear, I'll know whose opinion to ask.

Of course, we've all had bad dates. The odds of dating say that we have to have a few. But remember that for every bad date you go on, you'll probably have 10 good ones. The trick is to persevere, keep your sense of humor, hope the next one goes better and save up those bad date stories to entertain your friends.

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